Testimony of a Diaper Fixationist
Why in the world do I put God and Diapers together? The answer is based upon my past, of which I shall now share with you. I was raised in a dead Presbyterian church. The love of money was shared among its members, except for my family who was poor. It was one of those Sunday Suit and Tie things and the kids tended to make fun of us all. Me and my sister saw all this as hypocritical as we did read the Bible. At that time I was also going to an Episcopal private school because my mom taught there and was able to get us in for free. Every Tuesday we would have to take communion and kneel alot on those benches. Basically I got bad religious ideas shoved down my throat at a young age. Their teacher was right, but they never lived in him. Jesus's teachings of love for all mankind and love for all was spoken of in such a sacred manner that there was no such thing as having a real relationship with Him. It was too much routine and it felt like he wasn't alive and we were talking to someone who lived in the past who never answered prayers.
Before I met with this representation of God I met with diapers. By the age of 6 I became fixated on them. I wanted to wear them again, but couldn't because I thought it was wrong. So all I could do was to secretly dwell on diapers. I started not as a diaper fetishist, but much earlier as a diaper fixationist. I was fixated on diapers because my mother still wiped me up until age 6. One night my drunken father put a stop to it but in doing so it traumatized me. Had I been 2 I would've demanded to be put back in diapers. But since I was 6 all I could do was to become fixated on them. I would dream about them and I desired them so much. I held so much in. By the age of 10 I was about to explode. One summer off of church school I became really bored and that was when my past came back to haunt me. I had started praying about wiping. That was when evil came into me. Then when I wasn't praying I was swearing in my head. I wanted to see if God would do anything. Since my parents had divorced by then I had become a latchkey kid I had soo much time to kill. I would watch TV until 5 in the morning. I would swear over and over in my head. I would cry for mercy and then think evil thoughts over and over. I couldn't let anything go. I desired diapers so much that I would make them out of towels and trash bags. I didn't want them for sex, I wanted them for comfort. I was never comforted and needed some. I think though that at the end of the summer I had made up my mind to get things right and not to think about it. I actually practiced thinking about other things and eventually it subsided. I cried alot that summer. Now that I look back I can't but feel sorry for such a mixed up little boy.
Not only did I feel alone, I felt scared and unloved. My mom was worried about her own problems so I didn't dare come to her with mine. My sister was a smart alec who challenged me so I didn't dare appear weak to her. I thought of God as someone who was so powerful that I didn't dare ask him for anything. As far as I was concerned I was on my own. I had to deal with my fascination and fixation on diapers on my own. As I grew up it evolved into a diaper fetish, then full blown infantilism and now it is back to a diaper fetish. Once sensuality is thrown in the mix diapers become elevated as an important part of my being.
So why God and Diapers? Because God did eventually save me. He delivered me out of the bondage of diapers and out of the bondage of all sin. He answered my prayers. Once I came to truly know and trust in him I was no longer part of this world. I understand my flesh is still in bondage and will forever be in bondage, but my spirit is finally free. See when I went crazy at the age of 10 I had tied my spirit in with diapers. Infantilism became my new religion. I would get comfort from diapers. I would get love from wearing them. I would get satisfaction from using them. My spirit would dwell upon diapers all of the time. Nowadays I don't think of diapers as being all important in my life. God has taken over where diapers once were. I became saved just 3 years ago and my life has changed forevermore.
It happened one morning on September 28th, 2002. I was woken up by the sound of my name being called. (I live alone). It was early Sunday morning. I felt a real pull to go to a Church nearby. So I put on a suit and tie and walked into a Baptist Mega church. Where I was wasn't important. It was what the minister said that I still remember to this day:
"There once was this young girl whose father had died when she was young. Her mother passed away as well. She lived her life as a very happy person serving the lord. I asked her - how can you be so happy? Aren't you alone? She answered,"God has always been there. He is my father and mother. I never feel alone and that is why I am happy."
That hit me so hard. I could relate. I had felt like my real parents were dead because I was so sad and alone alot. That day I let all my feelings out in the new member's room. I gave up all of my sin. I prayed the sinner's prayer and asked Jesus to come into my life and be the father I never had. I didn't care anymore about this world. I wanted someone whom I could love unquestionably and who would love me back. I now have that in Jesus Christ.
If you are reading this then you might just know what I am talking about. The feelings of being the only one in the world, of being unloved. I beg you, just try to love God and Jesus and accept them into your heart. Pray for a relationship with Jesus. Pray that you will follow his teachings and will believe and confess of his atonement for your sins. It is not in testing God that you will get your proof. It is in loving God.
Romans 10:5 - 13
For Moses writes that the man who practices the righteousness which is based on law shall live by that righteousness. 6 But the righteousness based on faith speaks as follows: "DO NOT SAY IN YOUR HEART, `WHO WILL ASCEND INTO HEAVEN?' (that is, to bring Christ down), 7 or `WHO WILL DESCEND INTO THE ABYSS ?' (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead)." 8 But what does it say? "THE WORD IS NEAR YOU, IN YOUR MOUTH AND IN YOUR HEART"--that is, the word of faith which we are preaching, 9 that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; 10 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, "WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him; 13 for "WHOEVER WILL CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED."
Before I met with this representation of God I met with diapers. By the age of 6 I became fixated on them. I wanted to wear them again, but couldn't because I thought it was wrong. So all I could do was to secretly dwell on diapers. I started not as a diaper fetishist, but much earlier as a diaper fixationist. I was fixated on diapers because my mother still wiped me up until age 6. One night my drunken father put a stop to it but in doing so it traumatized me. Had I been 2 I would've demanded to be put back in diapers. But since I was 6 all I could do was to become fixated on them. I would dream about them and I desired them so much. I held so much in. By the age of 10 I was about to explode. One summer off of church school I became really bored and that was when my past came back to haunt me. I had started praying about wiping. That was when evil came into me. Then when I wasn't praying I was swearing in my head. I wanted to see if God would do anything. Since my parents had divorced by then I had become a latchkey kid I had soo much time to kill. I would watch TV until 5 in the morning. I would swear over and over in my head. I would cry for mercy and then think evil thoughts over and over. I couldn't let anything go. I desired diapers so much that I would make them out of towels and trash bags. I didn't want them for sex, I wanted them for comfort. I was never comforted and needed some. I think though that at the end of the summer I had made up my mind to get things right and not to think about it. I actually practiced thinking about other things and eventually it subsided. I cried alot that summer. Now that I look back I can't but feel sorry for such a mixed up little boy.
Not only did I feel alone, I felt scared and unloved. My mom was worried about her own problems so I didn't dare come to her with mine. My sister was a smart alec who challenged me so I didn't dare appear weak to her. I thought of God as someone who was so powerful that I didn't dare ask him for anything. As far as I was concerned I was on my own. I had to deal with my fascination and fixation on diapers on my own. As I grew up it evolved into a diaper fetish, then full blown infantilism and now it is back to a diaper fetish. Once sensuality is thrown in the mix diapers become elevated as an important part of my being.
So why God and Diapers? Because God did eventually save me. He delivered me out of the bondage of diapers and out of the bondage of all sin. He answered my prayers. Once I came to truly know and trust in him I was no longer part of this world. I understand my flesh is still in bondage and will forever be in bondage, but my spirit is finally free. See when I went crazy at the age of 10 I had tied my spirit in with diapers. Infantilism became my new religion. I would get comfort from diapers. I would get love from wearing them. I would get satisfaction from using them. My spirit would dwell upon diapers all of the time. Nowadays I don't think of diapers as being all important in my life. God has taken over where diapers once were. I became saved just 3 years ago and my life has changed forevermore.
It happened one morning on September 28th, 2002. I was woken up by the sound of my name being called. (I live alone). It was early Sunday morning. I felt a real pull to go to a Church nearby. So I put on a suit and tie and walked into a Baptist Mega church. Where I was wasn't important. It was what the minister said that I still remember to this day:
"There once was this young girl whose father had died when she was young. Her mother passed away as well. She lived her life as a very happy person serving the lord. I asked her - how can you be so happy? Aren't you alone? She answered,"God has always been there. He is my father and mother. I never feel alone and that is why I am happy."
That hit me so hard. I could relate. I had felt like my real parents were dead because I was so sad and alone alot. That day I let all my feelings out in the new member's room. I gave up all of my sin. I prayed the sinner's prayer and asked Jesus to come into my life and be the father I never had. I didn't care anymore about this world. I wanted someone whom I could love unquestionably and who would love me back. I now have that in Jesus Christ.
If you are reading this then you might just know what I am talking about. The feelings of being the only one in the world, of being unloved. I beg you, just try to love God and Jesus and accept them into your heart. Pray for a relationship with Jesus. Pray that you will follow his teachings and will believe and confess of his atonement for your sins. It is not in testing God that you will get your proof. It is in loving God.
Romans 10:5 - 13
For Moses writes that the man who practices the righteousness which is based on law shall live by that righteousness. 6 But the righteousness based on faith speaks as follows: "DO NOT SAY IN YOUR HEART, `WHO WILL ASCEND INTO HEAVEN?' (that is, to bring Christ down), 7 or `WHO WILL DESCEND INTO THE ABYSS ?' (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead)." 8 But what does it say? "THE WORD IS NEAR YOU, IN YOUR MOUTH AND IN YOUR HEART"--that is, the word of faith which we are preaching, 9 that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; 10 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, "WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him; 13 for "WHOEVER WILL CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED."
posted by Baby Brian | 8:39 PM
4 Comments:
We are saved by the Lord Jesus Christ alone.
Amen! I'm glad I'm not the only Christian DL :)
This comment has been removed by the author.
Im in that battle every single day.I use to go to church but ppl make damage. To me in the way that hurtme and make quit church.now I want to come back to church and give my life back to god.but the battle is more hard.I feel alone and angry at the same time
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